Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
