I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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