nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dear god my vagina.
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