Screwed.edu
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
