well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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