in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
