yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
