no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
