see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
