Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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