The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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