i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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