There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she pinky promised me she was 18
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
