i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
bring money and cleavage
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
