You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
