so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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