You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
