just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
