One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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