Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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