i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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