I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
