I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Every concussion has its silver lining
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
