Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Let's get the cat blown out
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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