p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
