i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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