No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
