you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
