if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
