its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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