can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
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He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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