I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
