Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
