I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
