Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
