ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
