The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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