Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
