i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
