every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
