After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
