Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
