Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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