He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
