your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
