just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
