I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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