I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
