It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
