It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
