that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
