I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize