Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
