oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
