Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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