we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
