I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
