I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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