I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
