Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
